Our pediatrician asked me a few months ago, after Jack was diagnosed, if I thought he changed after he got his 12-month vaccinations. And I did pause for a moment to think. Jack was such a happy, mild, easygoing little baby. Then he wasn't. There was that lead test at age 1 that was slightly high. Did he have a fever that day he got his shots? Was it 12 months when things started to look different? Or 14 months? Did we miss something early on? And thus begins the circle of questions that leads us who tend toward the neurotic back to the same place: somehow I did this. Because to assign blame is a tempting momentary comfort. If it could be the fault of someone
the vaccine manufacturers or something
the soil in our backyard laden with clay that he ate by the handful or, the very best, ME
yes! now the self-loathing can never die! it would go down. It would go down sharply, but at least it would go down. At least it's not crippling helplessness. At least it's not that something precious was stolen away right from under us and we can't get it back. It's not a persistent question
why? why? why? with no answer. And this is how I am certain God exists: out of the noise of all my torturous thoughts a quiet choice bubbles up to the surface. I am not helpless. I can live the circle or I can embrace another way, put my angst to rest and press into Jesus.
I embrace another way. I don't know how a person is woven together out of dust and marrow, or what elements influence them to be one way or another, or how those elements even came into play to begin with. What I know is that Jack is now and has always been Jack. New seasons blow in, old ones die out, and life always brings the unexpected. But my growing, rambunctious, funny little boy is the same sweet baby I nursed and the same curious toddler who learned to walk. It is the same Spirit that lives in and over him and calls him by name, that infuses love and purpose and meaning into ever step of his life:
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11
Amen. It's a good place to lay down.
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Jack and Chubs also finding a good place to lay down.
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AJers and Kimmie
ReplyDeleteI note that these 2 entries are written in the early morning hours--the hours that sometimes can be the toughest when we are facing a new day of unknowns and making a fresh choice of pressing into Jesus for all the day may hold. I know the Scripture says 'weeping endures for the night but joy comes in the morning'. Yet, I personally have had to fight off despair and hopelessness just as the day dawns. Thankfully, you both know where to turn to gain a new view of the day and once again make the choice to face all with the incredible gift of Christ in you and the solid assurance of his love for all of you and the promise of his provision for every need that arises. Eager to see and be with all of you....